Not Yet Defined

{November 4, 2010}   Letters I’ve Received Recently

I’ve been thinking about this entry for quite some time, and those of you who have been following the semi-painful adventures of moi in the dating world for the last few (read: 10+) years will no doubt enjoy a healthy appreciation of the following missives. I have to say, bittersweet though it is, I am rather enjoying the whole thing myself.

I am starting to get e-mails and messages, more and more often now, from exes who have realized they made a mistake. And it just. keeps. happening.

I could overlook one or two instances of this; in fact, as you’ll see, that’s how it started — as a trickle. But now we’re getting to the point where, if it keeps up, we’re going to need entire hands to count the women who have done this, so… I don’t know, you tell me: am I being vindicated here or what?

August 2006 – February 2009:

Yes, this went on for over two years: an ex I’ll call Misery sends me messages periodically, via e-mail and Myspace, asking why I’m still mad at her, and/or if there’s any chance of a reconciliation. After rebuffing her repeatedly, I finally resorted to threatening physical harm to newly-born domestic animals to put a stop to her advances. I didn’t keep any of the messages, but I haven’t heard from her since. And I didn’t have to hurt any puppies, either.

July 2009:

An ex I bloggingly refer to as The Girl Who Called — who had broken it off via e-mail the previous November — sends me the following e-mail:

Hi here how are you doing? I would like to say sorry for what I have done to you. I would still like you to be friends with me but if you feel like that you can’t then I understand. I feel so bad for what I have done to you. I hope that one day you can forgive me and we can be friend and talk once again. I really miss talking to you. This is all my fault and I am very sorry. So will you forgive me and call me sometime?
Well I said it would be just a little note so I will talk to you later.

I did not, for the record, reply. As I recall, she also left at least one voice mail that I didn’t answer, either.

January 2010:

Out of the everlovin’ blue, I receive another message, this time on Facebook, from The Girl Who Called, and it went like this:

I know you probably don’t want to talk to me but I would like to I’m very sorry for hurting you the way I did. I know that what I did was very wrong and not right. I would like to see you again that is if you would like to see me again. I have been thinking about you alot lately and I would like to talk to talk to you sometime. well I won’t keep you I know that you’re busy so I will talk you soon I hope. If you have lost my number it is (XXX)-xxx-xxxx.

Thanks for taking the time to read this that means a lot.

On this occasion, I did take the time to reply, but only because She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and I were still going relatively strong (or so I thought), and I was able to report that I was deliriously happy with my girlfriend of 14 months, at that time. The Girl Who Called wrote back to wish us well, and I have not heard from her again. Her Facebook page has since been deleted as well, whether that’s related or not.

August 2010:

A girlfriend from nearly 12 years ago, who I’ll call Elaine, sends me a note on Facebook filling me in on the latest goings-on in her life, and she includes this segment, which is possibly one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me:

Your appearance to ME is beyond marginal. I think you’re so damn cute because I know you personally and know how beautiful your entire heart and soul is. Your exact sense of humor is the kind that makes me laugh the hardest. You’re very witty and smart, and respectful of women. (Remind me to thank your mom and your sisters for that.) You are very kind too. I remember the huge bouquet of red roses, and all the times you treated me like a princess. So when I see your beautiful smile on facebook, I can’t help but think just how handsome you are.
So there.

October 2010:

Elaine writes another message on Facebook that reads, in part:

I miss you. I’d be snatching you up in a heart beat if I wasn’t already taken, a million miles away, and if you would still have me. Although it looks like you have plenty of options with the ladies these days. I see a cat fight brewing. Just as long as they treat you as wonderfully as you deserve. I love you.
Have an Awesome Day.

I have no trouble admitting that I am enjoying a certain perverse satisfaction from all this. Four years worth of intermittent communication from ex-girlfriends who have realized they probably should have tried a little harder in the first place — how could I feel otherwise? The years have gone on, they’ve experienced one disappointment after another, some of them are divorced — and some only wish they were. And they’re thinking about the past. As they do, my name eventually comes up, and they begin to remember how well I treated them until they decided I didn’t fit the CW model they had their hearts so set on in their early-to-mid 20s. Even though back then, it was the WB. Shush.

Am I thick enough to believe all my ex-girlfriends feel this way? Of course not. On the other side of that coin, though, I think it’s perfectly fair to ask: if I’ve got this many actually speaking up about it, how many more are thinking the same thing but keeping it to themselves? We just don’t know, obviously.

And so I’m left to wonder, then, about the state of mind of my current Attempted Girlfriend and where her head might be. Her last boyfriend is currently serving a four-year prison sentence for drug distribution; the one before that left her when he got a stripper pregnant. What, then, is so unattractive about me? Is it my four-year degree, my lack of criminal record, my respectful treatment of her, or all the shows, tours, parties, movies, and sporting events we enjoy together? Is it really possible that I can’t compete with a drug dealer sitting in a jail cell?

Time will tell, I suppose. As conceited as it may sound, I may one day be posting an e-mail or two from her as well.


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